Saturday, 30 November 2013

the final 630 words

The only thing I could possibly ask for now from the universe is for you to put your hand in mine and not worry about any of my bruises, not bitch about any of my broken, just give me you and take me you and let's both run together. My skin is patterned with purple and my brain is blotched with welts of every which colour. I do not mind. My legs are so fucking tired from all this running and my fear of stopping outweighs my desire. I do not mind.

The only thing I want is to feel the wallop of these feet on the soft green grass and never mind if they slip on dew. I lost a lot of things, my dear, I lost my heart and my mind and my way but I kept on looking in foxholes and I found them again. I found my tiara. I found my tiger. All the things I had given up on are once again in my pockets.

At one point, it seemed like everything was some kind of an ending so I decided to turn to magic. I believed in fortunes that could be read like fairy tale books from the reflection in a curved glass mirror. I believed in my own reflection in the water. I was narcissus, but I think in some ways we are all narcissus. I leaned all the way over and took a deep breath and was prepared for whatever was there. I was prepared for everything that I saw.

The fortunes all said the same thing and still I could not quite come to terms with the fact it was true. The fortunes told me that I thought the drawbridge up ahead was some kind of ending but, in truth, the drawbridge was just another bridge. And that all bridges connect two pieces of land, and that when I arrived at the other side I would meet people who had come as far and as long as I had, except they had started over there. I would talk to these people and ask them about their journey and things would start to curdle.

Listen, they would tell me, it's been a long an arduous task. I have come so very far. But it's okay, they would tell me, because finally after all this effort I have reached the end. Some sort of end, anyway. They would mop their brows and swell with pride and I would have to say that I, too, had come a very long way. And that I, too, thought I had reached the end. But I would know that behind me was a very long path with lots of trials and goblins. I would tell them that. Perhaps. I would feel like they had a right to know.

And if this was the case, I would have to acknowledge that behind them, too, was a very long path of trials and goblins. And even if I found the feet to traverse it, I would just get to some other kind of beginning.

All these thoughts in my brain terrified my soul. I did not want to believe in fortunes but I had already decided that witchery was not a false god; I had already made the concession to my fate. All that remained was for me to turn my body like an arrow towards the place I had said that I was going.

But my body is forever a wind vane and a strong breeze came up. I spun. In every different direction. Still, this was some kind of enough and I let myself enjoy it. Every which way and any which way. I had not reached an ending, but I had got exactly the thing I deserved.

No comments:

Post a Comment