Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Whoopee! Kapow! Woof!

Whoopee! Kapow! Woof! The girl in the diamond tiara hitched a freebie in the back of the ice-cream van. She promised sprinkles and carnations and accordion solos, so they picked her up outside the 7 11 and went on their way. They were going to tour the Northern coasts and become a band of lovers, mutants and bejewelled outlaws. All the promises of tax returns and plastic recycling programmes and buy-life-get-life-free had been bringing them down. It was time to move on. Whoopee!

They brought with them a full-sized stuffed tawny owl and a bucket of flying saucers and a handbag filled with superlatives they could bring out if things started getting too ordinary. They carried their official documents in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle packed lunch box which they were sure would pass the tests of theft and fire. The plan, so far as these things can be planned, was to find a new home which was amenable to the parade, the freak show and the firework display. The plan was to make a pact with the coyotes and discover the vowel sounds which speak to the moon. They were going to stare at the sea through 3D glasses and see if they could work out its depths and they were going to fire rockets crafted from tinfoil and Bakelite and see if they could shoot a hole in the sky.

If it really came to it and the world decided to rear up like a Mongolian Wild Horse, the clouds mushrooming and the mountains collapsing, they figured they would have the best chance. If the zombies began mutating and the mammoths rose up from the ice caves, they might have a chance if they were versed in caps lock and infinity and neon ideas. This wasn't just about conspiracy theories and apocalyptic survival though. There was another payoff too: the Whoopee! the Kapow! and the Woof! When it gets down to it, that's all any of this is really about.

What this is really about is the grinners. The honest-hearted lothario and the cupcake space cadet and the girl in sequinned hotpants who says the word “wheee!” This collection of noises is about the whistle-stop kiss and the ruby-haired rent boy and flash and peep of pink lace. These symbols, they are here to represent the tricksy slippery ludicrous path which leads to trouble. The only thing worth causing in the world: trouble, trouble in its headdress and mischief, trouble without a care. Trouble worth riding to the ends of the earth for, in an ice-cream van playing rain dance music through a plastic speaker on the roof.

Take the baton, encrust it in rubies and tar it with feathers, make off with the yea-sayers, make out with the soothsayers. Be a horseriding princess on the Appalachian Trail. Be excited about where this story is going. Kapow! Hold your breath. The skyline has started to explode. Aren't you glad to be here at the end of it all?


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